Words to Live By
OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
***
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
***
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
***
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
***
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man
can see better than he can think.
***
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton
***
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
-- Collis P. Huntingdon
***
For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you've got.
(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
***
"A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire
"A witless saying proves even less." -- I. Jordan
***
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
***
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what
you shouldn't have said.
***
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run
out of food. -- Dean McLaughlin.
***
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it
is I'll get married again. -- Clint Eastwood
***
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
***
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase
it. -- Glaser and Way
***
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his
head.
***
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
***
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
***
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under
pressure.
***
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
***
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob
called `brightness', but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher
***
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -- Arthur
Kasspe
***
If at first you don't succeed....remove all evidence that you tried.
***
Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with
an axe.
***
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Rights, Freedom, The Constitution, etc.
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should
see how bad it is with representation.
***
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
***
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." --
Henry Kissinger
***
The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives.
We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in
the country. -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
***
Democracy, n.: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property
is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will
of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed
by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. -- U. S. Army Training
Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn.
***
As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great industries
are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press.
Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a
Communist". You never hear a real American talk like that. -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
***
"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the House Un-American
Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights you have and what rights you
have not got." -- J. Parnell Thomas
Dave Barry
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because virtually
anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little
fish staring at you with buggy little eyes. So generally when two fish want to have
sex, they swim around and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally
the female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her
eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble
instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce
at all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference. -- Dave
Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
***
If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home
are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called
professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on
the sides and deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches,
after which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money
than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. And that's
why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You figure, "If those guys can
fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can it be?" Very difficult. In fact,
most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There
is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw
them up yourself for far less money. This article can help you. -- Dave Barry, "The
Taming of the Screw"
***
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it has more
snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very closely, inch by
inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing the slender curve of her
calves, then moving up to her ... [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles
about important world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next
few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] ... until finally the two of you
are lying there, spent, smoking your cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human
skin is actually made up of billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!
And what is even more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is
a fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran
cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so much as
a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. -- Dave Barry, "Saving
Face"
***
"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of
name that was popular in the
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"The value of sysUpTime at the time of the last change of
the (whole) interface stack. A change of the interface
stack is defined to be any creation, deletion, or change in
value of any instance of ifStackStatus. If the interface
stack has been unchanged since the last re-initialization of
the local network management subsystem, then this object
contains a zero value."
::= { ifMIBObjects 6 }
-- Generic Receive Address Table
--
-- This group of objects is mandatory for all types of
-- interfaces which can receive packets/frames addressed to
-- more than one address.
--
-- This table replaces the ifExtnsRcvAddr table. The main
-- difference is that this table makes use of the RowStatus
-- textual convention, while ifExtnsRcvAddr did not.
ifRcvAddressTable OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX SEQUENCE OF IfRcvAddressEntry
MAX-ACCESS not-accessible
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"This table contains an entry for each address (broadcast,
multicast, or uni-cast) for which the system will receive
packets/frames on a particular interface, except as follows:
- for an interface operating in promiscuous mode, entries
are only required for those addresses for which the system
would receive frames were it not operating in promiscuous
mode.
- for 802.5 functional addresses, only one entry is
required, for the address which has the functional address
bit ANDed with the bit mask of all functional addresses for
which the interface will accept frames.
A system is normally able to use any unicast address which
corresponds to an entry in this table as a source address."
::= { ifMIBObjects 4 }
ifRcvAddressEntry OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX IfRcvAddressEntry
MAX-ACCESS not-accessible
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"A list of objects identifying an address for which the
system will accept packets/frames on the particular
interface identified by the index value ifIndex."
INDEX { ifIndex, ifRcvAddressAddress }
::= { ifRcvAddressTable 1 }
IfRcvAddressEntry ::=
SEQUENCE {
ifRcvAddressAddress PhysAddress,
ifRcvAddressStatus RowStatus,
ifRcvAddressType INTEGER
}
ifRcvAddressAddress OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX PhysAddress
MAX-ACCESS not-accessible
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"An address for which the system will accept packets/frames
on this entry's interface."
::= { ifRcvAddressEntry 1 }
ifRcvAddressStatus OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX RowStatus
MAX-ACCESS read-create
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"This object is used to create and delete rows in the
ifRcvAddressTable."
::= { ifRcvAddressEntry 2 }
ifRcvAddressType OBJECT-TYPE
SYNTAX INTEGER {
other(1),
volatile(2),
nonVolatile(3)
}
MAX-ACCESS read-create
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"This object has the value nonVolatile(3) for those entries
in the table which are valid and will not be deleted by the
next restart of the managed system. Entries having the
value volatile(2) are valid and exist, but have not been
saved, so that will not exist after the next restart of the
managed system. Entries having the value other(1) are valid
and exist but are not classified as to whether they will
continue to exist after the next restart."
DEFVAL { volatile }
::= { ifRcvAddressEntry 3 }
-- definition of interface-related traps.
linkDown NOTIFICATION-TYPE
OBJECTS { ifIndex, ifAdminStatus, ifOperStatus }
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"A linkDown trap signifies that the SNMP entity, acting in
an agent role, has detected that the ifOperStatus object for
one of its communication links is about to enter the down
state from some other state (but not from the notPresent
state). This other state is indicated by the included value
of ifOperStatus."
::= { snmpTraps 3 }
linkUp NOTIFICATION-TYPE
OBJECTS { ifIndex, ifAdminStatus, ifOperStatus }
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"A linkUp trap signifies that the SNMP entity, acting in an
agent role, has detected that the ifOperStatus object for
one of its communication links left the down state and
transitioned into some other state (but not into the
notPresent state). This other state is indicated by the
included value of ifOperStatus."
::= { snmpTraps 4 }
-- conformance information
ifConformance OBJECT IDENTIFIER ::= { ifMIB 2 }
ifGroups OBJECT IDENTIFIER ::= { ifConformance 1 }
ifCompliances OBJECT IDENTIFIER ::= { ifConformance 2 }
-- compliance statements
ifCompliance3 MODULE-COMPLIANCE
STATUS current
DESCRIPTION
"The compliance statement for SNMP entities which have
network interfaces."
MODULE -- this module
MANDATORY-GROUPS { ifGeneralInformationGroup,
linkUpDownNotificationsGroup }
-- The groups:
-- ifFixedLengthGroup
-- ifHCFixedLengthGroup
-- ifPacketGroup
-- ifHCPacketGroup
-- ifVHCPacketGroup
-- are mutually exclusive; at most one of these groups is implemented
-- for a particular interface. When any of these groups is implemented
-- for a particular interface, then ifCounterDiscontinuityGroup must
-- also be implemented for that interface.
GROUP ifFixedLengthGroup
DESCRIPTION
"This group is mandatory for those network interfaces which
are character-oriented or transmit data in fixed-length
transmission units, and for which the value of the
corresponding instance of ifSpeed is less than or equal to
20,000,000 bits/second."
GROUP ifHCFixedLengthGroup
DESCRIPTION
"This group is mandatory for those network interfaces which
are character-oriented or transmit data in fixed-length
transmission units, and for which the value of the
corresponding instance of ifSpeed is greater than 20,000,000
bits/second."
GROUP ifPacketGroup
DESCRIPTION
"This group is mandatory for those network interfaces which
are packet-oriented, and for which the value of the
corresponding instance of ifSpeed is less than or equal to
20,000,000 bits/second."
GROUP ifHCPacketGroup
DESCRIPTION
"This group is mandatory only for those network interfaces
which are packet-oriented and for which the value of the
corresponding instance of ifSpeed is greater than 20,000,000
bits/second but less than or equal to 650,000,000
bits/second."
GROUP ifVHCPacketGroup
DESCRIPTION
"This group is mandatory only for those network interfaces
which are packet-oriented and for which the value of the
corresponding instance of ifSpeed is greater than
650,000,000 bits/second."
GROUP ifCounterDiscontinuityGroup
DESCRIPTION
"This group is mandatory for those network interfaces that
are required to maintain counters (i.e., those for which one
of the ifFixedLengthGroup, ifHCFixedLengthGroup,
ifPacketGroup, ifHCPacketGroup, or ifVHCPacketGroup is
mandatory)."
GROUP ifRcvAddressGroup
ed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they
get older, then it dawned on me .. they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed
to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others
here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Psychology
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
***
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Murphy
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
***
Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who
said things would get better?
***
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Hunter S. Thompson
The scum also rises. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Definitions
Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined
deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury
it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
***
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
***
Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long
it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
***
Idiot. n, ---A member of a large and powerful human tribe whose influence on
events is significant and far reaching.
***
Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the
axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results
from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum
to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's
Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
***
Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. Afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement
you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thom
***
Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin
"etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the
study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen
***
Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
***
Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce,
"The Devil's Dictionary"
***
Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
you won't have to watch commercials.
***
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
***
Fog Lamps, n.: Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is
in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
***
Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods
of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
***
California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:
Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran
***
Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head"
or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien",
a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt
Logic
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls,
the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. -- Alan McKay
***
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
***
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
***
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. --
Abraham Lincoln
***
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
***
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Hofstadter
***
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
***
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
***
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save
"nothing general can be said."
W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. --
W. C. Fields
***
Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well,
her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many
gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible.
-- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
Enlightenment & Philosophy
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really
make them think they'll hate you.
***
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
***
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
***
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
***
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip
K. Dick
***
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier
***
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the combination
is locked up in the safe. -- Peter DeVries
***
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
***
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I
disapprove."
***
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
Politics & Law
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over
six feet in length.
***
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
***
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a
century.
***
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. --
Robert Frost
***
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury,
and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on
the vehicle.
***
HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that
the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in
the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to
the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate
amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement
on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal
***
There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had
the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel
and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was
responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic
crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy,
negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems,
microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital
computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the
other how to run the telephone business?
***
Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have
been exhausted.
***
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent
actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true." -- Harry Truman
***
Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.
***
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which
cannot be justified on any other grounds." -- J. Finnegan, USC.
***
"Text processing has made it possible to right-, left-, and center-justify any
idea . . . particularly political ideas . . . which could not otherwise be justified
on any other grounds." -- I. Jordan, CSC
***
Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough
meetings are held to discuss it.
Sex
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
***
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
***
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms?
The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't
mind living in pools of warm slime. -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What
Every Teen Should Know"
Bureaucracy
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe
***
The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine
***
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify the
problem, not the remedy.
***
Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Ted Turner
"Nuclear war would really set back cable." -- Ted Turner
***
If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner
Wernher von Braun
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one
that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun
***
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun
Ideas and Theories
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who
do.
***
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
***
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
***
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll
have to ram them down people's throats." -- Howard Aiken
***
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
***
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" -- Vroomfondel, "Hitchhiker's
Guide"
***
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
***
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
***
The bigger the theory the better.
***
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Science
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
***
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply
of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. As man struggles to discover
cheaper alternatives, we need your help. Please... CONSERVE GRAVITY Follow these
simple suggestions: (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. (3) Give up skiing and skydiving
for more horizontal sports like curling. (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile. (6)
Stop flipping pancakes
***
"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates
dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery,
and self-annihilation." -- Johnny Hart
***
Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Ronald Reagan & his administration.
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" -- John Lehman, Secretary of
the Navy 1981-1987
***
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would
be clearly understood." -- Alexander Haig
***
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back
to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at
them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it,
that would hold them off. -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
***
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan,
famous movie star
***
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III
***
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
Education
Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing
right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights
is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
(b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
(d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used
in some foreign countries to signal turns.
***
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." -- A. L.
Other Laws, Principles, etc.
Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
***
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real
reason.
***
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
***
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand
what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
***
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
***
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's
Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.
***
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
***
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask
for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
***
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
***
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
***
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
***
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens
are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
***
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of
participants. -- Adam Walinsky
***
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to ..... to ........ uh ..............
Economics & Business
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them
up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
***
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
***
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather
forecasters. -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
***
Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming
off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
***
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John
Kenneth Galbraith
***
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
***
Money is the root of all wealth.
Samuel Clemens
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not;
but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but
the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have
to do it. -- Mark Twain
***
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes
to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
***
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
-- Mark Twain
***
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always
be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. -- Mark Twain.
***
"A Plan for Improving the English Spelling" For example, in Year 1 that useless
letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x"
would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform
"w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year
3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali
wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing
vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud
fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now
jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt
speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. Mark Twain
Not yet classified:
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that
all had these things in common: (1) They all had moderate appetites. (2) They all
came from middle class homes (3) All but two of them were dead.
***
Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust?
***
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
***
The makers may make and the users may use, but the fixers must fix with but minimal
clues
***
We're only in it for the volume. -- Black Sabbath
***
"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." -- Art Leo
***
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." -- Oscar Wilde
***
"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time travel,
you never can tell." -- Dr. Who
***
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you
would not have been informed.
***
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie
***
Of *course* I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
***
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen
to weather forecasts and economists? -- Kelvin Throop III
***
Why bother building more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we already have?
***
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility
at the other.
***
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
-- e. e. cummings
***
DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there
may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are
in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss --
and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever
possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and
disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big
future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no
right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind
your back. -- National Lampoon
***
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
***
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves.
***
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible
ones from going home.
***
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in
Australia. -- Charles Schultz
