Darrel's Domain
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
A man asks you to dance and you take off you clothes and climb on a table.
A man lights your cigarette and your show him your bra.
A prostitute has ever told you "no"--when you have had enough money.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find you get 15 more miles to the gallon.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
All of your relative's cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window
All the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Any of your children were conceived in a car wash.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas".
At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that does his business right before the race starts.
Bikers back down from your mama.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.
Breakfast every morning is interrupted by someone asking, "Anybody seen my teeth?"
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
During your wedding ceremony, the minister said, "Do you,---,take--- to be your old lady?"
During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.
Every day, people come to your house mistakenly thinking you arehaving a yard sale.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
Everybody you meet can tell you what kind of underwear you are wearing.
Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rear-view mirror.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Girls' night out is held at the Laundromat.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
Hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estimate.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your uniform.
Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.
Less than half the cars you own run.
Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.
Mama taught you how to flip a cigarette.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
On your honeymoon you leave the driving to Greyhound.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
People hunt in your yard.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the GTO.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you are not hauling anything.
The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
The cockroaches left you a note saying "Clean this place up!"
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been for more than a year.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
The dog catcher calls for back-up when visiting your house.
The family business requires a lookout.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
The flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
The front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
The kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and the side.
The local hangout is the Dragway.
The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
The manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it's time to wash your hair.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The only two words You learned in school were moonshine and beer.
The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun.
The original color of your carpet remains a mystery.
The Orkin man tells you "give up, you have lost"
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind You of your neighbors.
The primary color of your car is Bondo.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.
The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
The UFO Hotline limits you to one call per day.
There are antlers nailed to the side of your house.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
There are four pair pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
There are more fish on your walls than pictures.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floor of your car.
There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
There is a laminated picture of Rambo on your headboard.
There is a lawsuit currently pending against your dog.
There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
There is an autographed picture of a pro wrestler displayed anywhere in your home.
There is ham hanging from your front porch.
There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
Three quarters of the clothes You own have LOGOS on them.
Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.
Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."
When packing for vacation, your biggest decision is whether to use paper or plastic.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
When you talk about great mullet fishermen, Granny's name always comes up.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You are a lite beer drinker 'cause You start drinkin' beer when it gets light.
You are a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
You are allowed to bring your dog to work.
You are banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.
You are considered an expert on worm beds.
You are famous for your homemade squash wine.
You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.
You are moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You are not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You are still upset about Gunsmoke being canceled.
You are turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You are waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
You belt buckle is bigger than your head.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while You are at work.
You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You buy a color-coordinated rope to tie down your car hood.
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells."
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
You can gargle the theme song to The Andy Griffith Show.
You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.
You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You can take your bra off while driving.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You can’t schedule a family reunion until after the parole board meets.
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You can’t understand why there are no tuxedos made of flannel.
You can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You celebrate groundhog day.
You change your underwear once a week whether it needs it or not.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You collect debris off of crashed cars from a stock car race.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You consider yourself an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in your front yard.
You converted your carport into a beauty shop.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You did not know that a Daisy is also a flower.
You did not know tobacco is a plant.
You didn’t put the pink plastic flamingoes in your front yard as a joke.
You do your serious Christmas shopping at the Flying J truck stop.
You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
You ever exceeded the limit on your credit card buying a pig.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
You ever named a child after a dog.
You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on the lube rack.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
You get a gun for your wife and think you have made a good trade.
You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
You get your oil changed by your barber.
You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You grow corn in your front yard.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You grow your sideburns longer & fuller because it looks so good on your sister.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
You haul more than U-Haul.
You have "rotting 'possum" scented incense.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have a season pass to the flea market.
You have a tattoo that says "Born to bag groceries."
You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.
You have a tire swing in your house.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You have been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You have been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have been too drunk to fish.
You have ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
You have ever attended a dance at the bus station.
You have ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.
You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
You have ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You have ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine.
You have ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.
You have ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You have ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You have ever been involved in a tongue-length contest.
You have ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You have ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You have ever been the first person in or the last person out of a video arcade.
You have ever bought a used cap.
You have ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You have ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You have ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You have ever cut your grass and found a car.
You have ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
You have ever driven a car into the top of a tree.
You have ever driven across a pond.
You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.
You have ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
You have ever eaten 'possum
You have ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You have ever financed a tattoo.
You have ever given rat traps as a gift.
You have ever had a threesome consisting of you, your wife, and your dog.
You have ever had a wet dream about your sister.
You have ever had sex in a satellite dish.
You have ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call."
You have ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You have ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You have ever heckled during a eulogy.
You have ever held up someone with a caulk gun.
You have ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions.
You have ever hit a deer with your car. on purpose! "
You have ever hit a jukebox with a cue stick.
You have ever hitchhiked naked.
You have ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
You have ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"
You have ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You have ever made change in the offering plate.
You have ever parked a Camero in a tree.
You have ever played poker until 4:30 in the morning.
You have ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You have ever ridden all the way to Florida with your bare feet hanging out the car window.
You have ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
You have ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.
You have ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You have ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
You have ever shouted, "The South shall rise again!"
You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to Free Bird.
You have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken.
You have ever stolen a bulldozer.
You have ever stolen a town's "Welcome to" sign.
You have ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You have ever stolen toilet paper.
You have ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You have ever taken a beer to a job interview.
You have ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.
You have ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You have ever used a Weed Eater indoors.
You have ever used lard in bed.
You have ever vacationed in a rest area.
You have ever won a year's supply of toothpicks.
You have ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
You have ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You have ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You have ever written Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.
You have ever yelled squeal like a piggy when making love.
You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You have grease under your toenails.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You have more fingers than teeth.
You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
You have more than one four-wheeler.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You have never heard of a paved road.
You have never paid for a haircut.
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You have over 300,000 miles on your house.
You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom.
You have painted a car with house paint.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
You have the local bait shop on speed dial for your telephone.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck, too.
You have to dial long distance to talk to your neighbor.
You have to dress the kids up to go to K-Mart.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
You have to mow your driveway.
You have to recrank your car at ever intersection.
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
You have totaled every car You have ever owned.
You have trouble with people parking under your truck.
You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.
You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You honest-to-God believe that the most appropriate song to play at a wedding is "Stand by Your Man."
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You know all about Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You know how to milk a goat.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You like your women just a little on the trashy side.
You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold You beside the highway better than anything You saw at an art show or museum.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You live so far out in the country that your newspaper is yellow by the time you get it.
You local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
You look like Willie Nelson after You get your hair cut.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You made a homemade hot-tub with a trolling motor.
You mark the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You miss your sister's wedding because your best bowling shirt is at the cleaners.
You mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You named your first-born son Hank Williams.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a "freebie" at the House of Tattoos.
You never learned to swim because your gene pool is too small.
You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You own a Harley-Davidson T-shirt but don't own a Harley-Davidson.
You own a home that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
You own any Kenny Rogers albums.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You paint your car with house paint.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You pawned your grandfather's pocket watch because you need beer money for the weekend.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them
You prominently display a gift in your house that You bought at Graceland.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You put gin in the gas tank when you run out of gas.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
You refer to your van as "The Love Machine"
You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying".
You removed the back seat from your car so all your kids could fit in.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
You say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two-minute conversation.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
You see a billboard that reads "Say No to Crack" and it reminds You to pull your pants up.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop because You have an empty milk jug in the car.
You see the height clearance on a bridge and turn your 4WD pickup around.
You sell rabbits out of your car.
You shop for groceries at a gas station.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You sit around an talk about the great taste of PBR.
You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof.
You smoked during your wedding.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.
You swapped a set of tires for your wife's wedding ring.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than You took.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree at the corner.
You think "recycling" means going home from work.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think "The dishwasher is broke" means your wife has no money.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You think a family reunion is a good place to meet chicks.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient to soup.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.
You think mail is a gender.
You think mud wrestling should be an Olympic sport.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You think Outdoor Life is deep reading.
You think paprika is a third-world country.
You think people who send out high school graduation announcements are show-offs.
You think people you have electricity are uppity.
You think pigskin is food.
You think possum is "The Other White Meat"
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the "6-10 pounds" on the side on the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball."
You think the Mountain Men in "Deliverance" were just "misunderstood".
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You think the OJ Trial is a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped..
You think the reason You cannot ever walk in a straight line is because You think your feet are messed up.
You think the six to ten pounds on the side of the Pampers box means how much it will hold.
You think the South should once again secede from the Union.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the traffic sign "MERGE" is a personal challenge.
You think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition.
You think the Yellow pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You think there's nothin' wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You think Thousand Island is in the West Indies.
You think toilet water is exactly that.
You think tractor pull is the sport of the 21st century.
You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You thought George Clinton was our president.
You thought that the 2 guys in Deliverance were your cousins.
You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.
You use a bed sheet as a sofa cover.
You use a fishing license as a form of ID.
You use a weed eater in your living room.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
You use your mailbox to hold up one end of your clothesline.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You wake up with Red Man in your hair.
You walk into a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.
You wash your car more often than your kids.
You watch cartoons long after your kids become bored.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.
You wear a flannel bra.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You were drunk during your wedding ceremony.
You were kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of Beverly Hillbillies or Green Acres.
You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You won't stop at a rest area You have an empty beer can in the car.
You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
You write off a radiator as a business expense.
You'd rather catch bass than get some.
You drove to elementary school.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck You drive him around in.
Your 1 year old has more teeth than You do
Your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
Your baby's first words are, "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Your belt buckle is bigger than you are.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your best pick-up line is written on your baseball cap.
Your bicycle has a gun rack.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn."
Your birth announcement included the words "rug rat."
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your bowling ball has a bumper sticker on it.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle and your grandfather.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Your car stereo costs more than your car.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
Your champagne and caviar is an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.
Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your Christmas cards have a Xerox copy of your butt included.
Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
Your Christmas tree or Christmas lights are still up in February.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your considered an expert on worm beds.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
Your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
Your dress is strapless and your bra isn't.
Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your family's old basement recipe is illegal.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your father fully executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your father walks You to school because You are both in the same grade.
Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.
Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
Your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in 13 states.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your front porch collapses and more than 2 hound dogs are killed.
Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
Your grandmother has ever stopped to relieve herself on the side of the highway.
Your grandmother knows how to correctly execute the sleeper hold.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your hat weighs more than You because of all the fishing equipment You store on it.
Your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department..
Your high school basketball game got rained out.
Your high school colors are brown.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your honeymoon was in Little Rock.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your house is on wheels.
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.
Your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard.
Your idea of dual air bags is your wife and mother-in-law in the front seat of your pick-up!
Your idea of fine China is brand-new plastic wear.
Your idea of going formal is a black truck.
Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
Your job is renovating belt buckles.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
Your kid's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
Your kids have a 3-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.
Your latest remodeling improvement was repainting your garage sale sign.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week"
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
Your mama has ever been the only one left standing at the end of a rumble.
Your mama tore her best dress coon hunting.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your mom calls you over to help because she has a flat tire on her house
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Your mom is also your aunt.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your most recent business improvement was repainting your Garage Sale sign.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoos.
Your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.
Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
Your mother has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the high school principal.
Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Your mother has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your motto is "Eat, Drink, Fish, and Sleep."
Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
Your name consists of more names than You have members of your family.
Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
Your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
Your oldest child is 12 years younger than you are.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
Your parents met at a family reunion.
Your parrot can say, "Open up! It's the police!"
Your personal hero is Dale Earnhardt.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to the Andy Griffith Show.
Your pickup has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
Your richest relative buys a new house and You have to help take the wheels off.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying back-to-school clothes for the kids.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
Your screen door has no screen.
Your secret family recipe is illegal
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
Your sister subscribes to Soldier of Fortune magazine.
Your sister's educational goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your stomach is bigger than any shirt you own.
Your talent in the local beauty pageant was make noises with your armpit
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
Your wading boots double as dress pants.
Your watchband is wider than any book You have ever read.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your welcome mat says, "you'd better have a search warrant."
Your were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.
Your wife has more children than teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
If you have any news that you wish to share, let me know and I will add it here.