Darrel's Domain
PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL -- These programming languages are well known and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the following catalog:
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological
Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it.
The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the
statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do
nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other
languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and
debugging.
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y'NOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FERSURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program.
LIKE,Y'NOW (IMEAN) START
IF
PIZZA=LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY=LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL=LIKE GRODY**M4(FERSURE)**2
THEN
FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY(Y'NOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG
ME WITH A SPOON!
Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language, since all error messages are in lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:
"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again?"
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to
quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE,
SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the
name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as
CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET,
GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA,
SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER
dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a
favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL
OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker
spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.
A language designed to run on small DEC machines with minimal memory. Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for loading in from an ASR-33 teletype. This takes 20 minutes, after which the user is greeted with the message:
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST LOADED FOCUSALL!
The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command. The only valid command is:
LOAD FOCUSALL
which causes the system to once again load the interpreter from paper tape. The power of the language comes from the fact that preceding a command with a statement line causes it to be stored as a program line for later execution as in the following example:
10 LOAD FOCUSALL...ETC...
20 LOAD FOCUSALL
PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its program run.
Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message "GAME OVER.
INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN" is displayed. Some allowable PINBOL
instructions and their meanings are:
LEFT FLIPPERIllogical Left ShiftRIGHT FLIPPERIllogical Right ShiftSHOOTTry to Run
PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive. Those who are fluent PINBOL programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.
Commonly known as QUICKIE. Error messages include "COMPUTUS
INTERRUPTUS." A closely related language is NOONER.
This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent users.
Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and conclude
with the "I USED TO KNOW THAT" condition code. Loops tend to
repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.
Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours."
The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.
If you have any news that you wish to share, let me know and I will add it here.