If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States
Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing
squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
Algol:
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically
fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
APL:
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
Assembly:
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator
arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the
administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly
shooting at everyone in sight.
BASIC:
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
entire lower body is waterlogged.
C:
You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++:
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in
the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell
which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying,
"that's me, over there."
CLIPPER:
You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot
yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not
yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.
COBOL:
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER
on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether
shoelace needs to be retied.
DBase:
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time
your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.
DBase IV version 1.0:
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed
grenade and the whole building blows up.
English:
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
Forth:
yourself foot shoot.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception- processing ability.
lisp:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds...
ML:
You create a list of feet, and with a recursive function you shoot them
all.
Modula II:
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
PL/I:
You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples
its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your
foot.
Prolog:
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find
its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.
scheme:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of
this happening.
sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
reading manual pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to
C.
Smalltalk:
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that
your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you
develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
SNOBOL:
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet
another foot (a left foot).
SQL:
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it
returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end
of your leg.
